For those of you who didn’t know, I’ve recently moved to North Carolina. Durham, to be exact. Well, I suppose I’ve actually been here for awhile. Jennie and I moved on August 6th…so it’s been close to two months. I would like to say that I have had enough time to settle in by now, but that wouldn’t exactly be true. I have certainly settled in more over the last few weeks, but I still feel generally out of place and a bit adrift. But that probably has to do with the fact that I am no longer in school then where I am physically located. Transitioning between college/adolescent and “adulthood” is apparently not easy. Idealism and wanting to do “interesting things” often conflicts with paying for rent, groceries, and utilities. I am fortunate enough to enjoy financial support from my parents, which makes the transition even harder, in a way. It is not absolutely essential for me to accept any job I can find. I have some flexibility. But with flexibility comes the constant worry that I am not making the right choice, that I am either not doing enough or doing too much. Even to me this sounds a bit like an over privileged kid complaining about his own good fortunes but I cannot deny that I am unsettled by my situation. I am uncertain of what I really want to get out of the year I have before (hopefully) attending medical school. I have some ideas, but the more I consider them the more unrealistic they seem. Yet I cannot seem to commit myself to living as a full-time member of the workforce.
I feel I must apply myself to something, but I am not sure what that thing is. I want to be busy and gainfully employed, but I want the ability to go home for the holidays, attend ultimate tournaments or social functions on the weekends, and spend time with Jennie. I also need to be able to take time off for interviews if/when the time comes. It is hard enough to find a job as it is, it would be nearly impossible for me to find something with such an accommodating schedule. I have been working with Baguetteaboutit, a local food truck that sells baguette/sausage sandwiches, and they have been very flexible with scheduling. But I wonder if they are not just waiting for someone with better availability before replacing me. I also do not work as much as I would like, as they are often less busy on days I am more available. All of which combines to leave me too much time to ponder my situation and send out half-hearted inquiries about other jobs that I soon regret. I also feel bad turning down job offers, even if they may not be ideal. Always feels like I’m passing up an opportunity when I don’t know when I will get another.
I feel like it’s not like I will not be able to find enough things to occupy myself if I only work a few days a week, but that I feel like I should be doing something more “worthwhile”. Like somehow working as a cashier or what not is more “worthwhile” than devouring endless NYTimes articles or English literature. Isn’t it? Why can’t I be satisfied with doing a little work and devoting my other time to photography or writing or some other pursuit? Or trying to play Wall Street (definitely wouldn’t be bored…but probably too risky to try). But I suppose, even if I don’t need to work much to have enough money to subsist…it’s always better to have more money for discretionary purchases, for I am an avid consumer of capitalist society, if nothing else. And, inevitably, I alway look too far in the future. It’s hard for me to consider “am I cool with doing this now” without thinking of “will I be cool with doing this in a few months?” which, really, just make everything more complicated. If I am not sure I am currently happy with what I am doing, how the hell am I suppose to know if I will be happy in the future?
At least I have finished writing and submitting my medical school applications. Now I just have to wait interminably until someone decides if I am worth interviewing. I have heard from 3/16 schools, with one interview (UConn) and two rejections (UCSF and BU). UCSF didn’t even ask me to submit a secondary. I suppose that saved me some money.
Hopefully I will start volunteering at the local Life & Science museum. That should be pretty interesting, and I suppose I could probably fill up my week with it as much as I want. However, the instability of my work at Baguetteaboutit might make it a little difficult to schedule. I’ve also thought I might volunteer at a hospital once I am more settled…but I am not sure how much “more settled” I am going to get. Perhaps I should just get on with it. What definitely isn’t helping is how variable my mood seems to be. Need to somehow figure out a way to stay positive not sometimes, but all the time. I suppose that is why I feel like I need to do something truly fulfilling, or at least difficult enough for me to be proud of. If anything that’s probably why I have been trying to find a job, regardless of its merit, in the hopes that I can at least be proud of grinding through my work days. But perhaps there are better ways to be fulfilled.
In other news, I am playing in a fantasy football league with 18 teams. That’s right 18 teams. Not knowing this was the case beforehand, I was extremely ill prepared for the draft…and every week has been an exercise in trying to figure out what 3rd string receiver will give me those 3 points that might make or break my matchup. Futile, to say the least. Or, at least, futile for me. Other teams appear to be doing just fine. Somehow. I am not sure why I am going on about this, other than to warn you to never agree to play in an 18 team fantasy league. It’s just no fun. Also the Saints have reverted to the Aints and are 0-4. So much for football saving me from depression.
In other other news, nevermind. This post will never end if I try to pour 2 months of circular thinking into it. But perhaps I will have more regular updates from now on (an oft repeated sentiment).
Anyways, here are a few pictures from the last two months, mostly from my phone (all of the pictures from my phone?)…to give you a glimpse of just how exciting my life has been.
All loaded up to go, in the driveway of my house in Connecticut.
Some of our stuff, the day we got to Durham.
Duke-Florida International football game. Made the ill advised decision to drive to the game instead of biking. First college football game I’ve been to. Entertaining enough, despite Duke not being a major program.
Duke chapel…as seen from inside the Baguetteaboutit truck.
We were suppose to work an event at the Contemorary Art Museum in Raleigh as part of the Hopscotch festival. But severe thunderstorms derailed the plan. I drove through the rain the meet the truck, but we didn’t end up serving. The lot in the first picture flooded enough to swamp the truck, like 3 ft deep/higher than the benches so we pulled out. Turned out to be a pretty busy event and we missed our chance.
Some delicious farmer’s market meats…which averages 2x the supermarket price but sure is good. Another effect of being underemployed…always worrying about how much food I am eating.
The inside of a 18-wheeled truck trailer. Never seen such a sight. We had a few pallets of bread in there…but they’re too far away to see.
Delicious carrot cake for Justin’s birthday.
Saints-Panther game. We got creamed, seems to be the theme. Also my first NFL game and I was impressed by the view even though we were something like 5 rows from the very top. Charlotte is also an interesting place. Very corporate downtown built up over a really small area. Eerily empty on a Sunday.
Nice sunset over the Southpoint Mall parking lot in Durham. One of the best designed shopping arcade/mall I’ve been to. Not sure why I was so impressed, but I really was.
Trying our best to scoop out elusive marrow bits from bones that Jennie’s mom got for me in Pennsylvania sometime in March. They’ve made quite a journey.
Anvil cloud somewhere south of Jacksonville.
We stopped by some sort of small black bear/alligator nature preserve near our hotel. Not much to see but extremely viscous mud and strange palm-like bushes. Didn’t spend too much time there though, as result of the gathering dusk.
Oh yeah, we (Boxcar) went to mixed club regionals in Sanford, FL and got absolutely crushed. I probably played the worst ultimate I’ve ever played. And it was hot as balls. And I somehow hurt my hamstring again. Overall a pretty fun experience though, more on this later, maybe.
Bridge from Jekyll Island to Brunswick, GA. We stopped by Southern Soul on the way back to NC, which was a very nostalgic and strange experience for me…since I’ve been going there every time the Vassar team has gone to High Tide in the past 3 years. And Southern Soul is definitely one of the highlights of High Tide, which is a highlight of Vassar Ultimate, which is certainly the highlight of my Vassar College experience.
Anyways I doubt too many of you actually read through this self-pitying description of my life, but to those of you who did, thanks for reading.